Married!
This space is so odd, because it's my journal - my place to write and explore myself, yet the fact that it's public changes things. Changes how I write and what I say. Do I depend on others input? I think more it's the thought of people in my life reading this and taking more from these pages than may be written here. Also though, it's because there are others out there. There is someone who reads it. I feel I need to update these pages about my life before I begin to write. I do update quickly in my physical journal, but there's something more to this. Some community. Some outstretched interest from those I've heard from and read before.

So here's the update,
I'm married.
Such a funny thing really. I feel I will look back at this time in 20 years and say "we had no idea what we were doing." S doesn't believe that this is going to hurt yet. I need him to believe that so that I can have my breathing room. He gets so upset when I'm upset. He understands that when he gets like that I hide myself from him because he can't handle it. I'm looking forward to the day when his reactions won't so control my exposure of my emotions and thoughts. It's just that I know he hates situtations like that and that he doesn't deal well with them. I don't want to put him in that place, but I don't want to hide myself from him either. The hiding makes me want to hide more and more. It's depressing and makes me depressed until I start to hide from myself. I haven't been facing who I am and following through on what I want and that upsets me. I keep wanting him to go away so that I can have my space and find myself. Not that I'd manage even then... but.
Truthfully I love him and I've never questioned whethere marrying him was right or not, because I believe it was and is. He was a good choice and decision. Now I just have to learn to deal with the marriage part.